What Should the First Question Be?

James:

There’s nothing I like more than simple things. I love to oversimplify. I love to overgeneralise. And, for the reductionist, there’s nothing as pleasurable as compressing the gamut of humankind into two damning categories: A and B.

There are many ways to tell differentiate between A and B, discernible only to the acute observer of the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of the human condition:

A wakes up ahead of his alarm feeling refreshed and has a hearty breakfast before heading out. B, on the other hand, oversleeps and takes thirty minutes to apologise to his own face before stumbling to his car. He foregoes breakfast, toiletries—and the toilet, which, sadly, proves to be an uncomfortable mistake.

During the commute, both approach a yellow light, A will charge right on ahead, certain he will make it; B, unsure of what to do, slows down, steps on the gas pedal, sheepishly changes his mind and brakes again. The other cars honk at him for his idiocy—A included—but he wards them off (or so he thinks) with a self-effacing smile and a half-assed hand wave.

In the office, A’s workplace is a bastion of efficacy: he has incoming papers on the upper right corner of his desk, outcoming papers on the left side; stationery is lovingly tucked away in the sliding compartment. He smiles coquettishly to his shapely personal assistant, who reciprocates his pleasantries. And with that, he buckles down to a glorious new day at work: calls are made, deals are done, a great deal of money is gained.

B bursts in fifteen minutes late (remember, he had to use the washroom)  and when he does come in, he can’t really locate his desk—it’s hidden somewhere underneath the swathes of papers, rubber bands, pens, and staples, the aftermath of yesterday’s laborious debauchery . A great deal of the morning is spent clearing away this horde of workplace junk until there is enough desk space to set down his coffee mug. Which then reminds him—he’s feeling rather hungry. Well, he rationalises, no point starting work on an empty stomach. And with that, he goes out to enjoy breakfast. When he does get back, it’s 11:00, and—as his shrewish secretary shrilly reminds him– not an iota of work has been done.

A and B, of course, are polar opposites. But they do, however, share one thing: they dream. They even share the same dream—one that is common for all men: success in the workplace and success in the bedroom.

A, in his typical cavalier attitude, has broken down his dream into pie charts and deadlines: he must make this many sales this week; he must lose this many pounds by next month; he must propose to this woman by next year.  A is a gung-ho optimist: he feels that, if he strategises well enough, if he rigorously follows his meticulous goals, he will obtain his dreams.

B, too, spends plenty of time thinking about such dreams—but the thoughts verge more on the mundane: he looks at the women in his office—yes, even his secretary—and imagines what they would be like as wives. He eyes his boss’ shoes, and wonders how much they must have cost. He supposes it would be nice to have a big house and a nice spouse and house of laughing children, but he realises that marriage can wait: bachelorhood, on the other hand, is a golden age which ought to be cherished.

The question, I’d like to answer is simple: who possesses more truthful view on life—A or B? At the end of the day, when both of them are lying on the deathbed, who will have been happier?

Ryan:

That’s the problem with having a great idea: you just don’t know where to start. We could have easily just made up some bullshit question – such as “what is the meaning of life?”, or “what are your New Year’s resolutions?” – to kick-start our blog, but we’d lose whatever readership we’ve earned (probably through word-of-mouth at this point) before we’ve gotten started. Speaking of which, let me ask you this: as a reader, what would you want to hear answered?

HA! As if we would ACTUALLY choose your question out of the thousands we get each and every day, now that we’re live on the Internet (and therefore, undoubtedly famous)! Sorry, maybe that sarcasm wasn’t very clear… hey, yeah, how does that work? Why DOES sarcasm seem so much more obvious when we speak rather than when we read and write? After all, words are words. I guess it depends on who you ask, but I don’t know, go check with a sarcasm professor.

No, but seriously, what would be an attention-grabbing, thought-provoking, paradigm-altering, shit-hits-fan question be? It’s got to be exciting, right? I sure as hell hope so; I wouldn’t even come back here if reading this made me WANT to do the work I’m trying so hard to procrastinate on. Hmmm…procrastination…what’s your worst story? I’d guess something along the lines of: you have a paper (or project, or portfolio or…whatever, you get it) due in the morning, and it’s crunch time (we’re talking about 2AM and the paper is due in 6 hours; there’s barely enough time to even THINK about finishing your paper/project /portfolio/whatever), yet you find yourself concentrating on finding a hilarious internet video to LOL at. And tick, tick, tick: all of a sudden it’s 5AM, and “AWW CRAP!”  – you’re in trouble.

It sucks, doesn’t it? No, not the videos (Rule #143: there should be NO regrets to having some good laughs!). What sucks is the feeling of not knowing what to do, or say, or think, or write. Not knowing the consequences of doing nothing. Being unable to answer your boss, teacher, or professor when they ask you for your assignment while you stare back stupidly. Watching your life crumble around you as this vicious process of procrastination begins over and over again, causing you to fail or lose your job. Slowly, your dreams slip away, you lose your house and friends, and you’re kicked out of any companies, or schools, or universities you’re part of, and your true God-given destiny of becoming Superman vanishes, and Metropolis is falling into the cold, dark shadow of crime, and oh my goodness, CLARK KENT, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!?

Wait, what was the question?

Clement:

What should the first question be?

How can I answer this question? I think I just created a paradox. My brain hurts from thinking of this question. No, my brain hurts from thinking of an answer.

Anyways, hi. Welcome.

Back to the question… or answer. Oh, I know of one. Describe who you are and say something interesting about yourself. More of a statement than a question, nevertheless, it’s still asking you to do something. You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do… bitch.

So…

My English teacher asked me that question on the first day of class. Hmm.. “Describe myself?” I think. Do I go to the extremes and tell the class I am a famous actor from Hong Kong? Or should I tell them the truth… “I’ve been to the moon and back with a rocket I developed myself.” Maybe say that I am a prodigal pianist who was forced to play since I was a child, and since I was forced, I detest it?

What makes me, me? I really don’t know. You probably don’t either. How can I separate myself from others? How can I be abnormal? (Referencing T.W. C.L.)

To be honest, I have no clue. I feel like an enigma in a black hole, a midnight pulse on a sunny day. (prob lost a few readers there) Seriously though, if you know who you are, who you want to be, and who you will become by university… props to you. I have mad respect for you.

Anyways, if you were wondering what I told the teacher, I said “I’m Clement. I’m in the faculty of science and I play hockey and guitar.” Sigh, should have gone with the astronaut story.